Wedding toasts: who speaks, in what order, and for how long
A simple guide to choosing speakers, setting the order, and keeping toasts short enough that the room is still smiling at the end.
Toasts are among the most memorable moments of a reception, and also among the most likely to go off track. A few clear decisions in advance keep the speeches warm, brief and well timed.
There is no single correct order. What follows is a traditional pattern and a set of rules of thumb to use as a starting point. Adjust them to your families, your culture and your venue's schedule.
Who might speak
Choose speakers who are comfortable in front of a crowd and who know you well. Not everyone on the traditional list has to take part.
- A host or parent of one of the couple, to welcome guests.
- The best man, maid of honor or both.
- The other parent or a close relative.
- The couple, to thank everyone.
- A friend, sibling or mentor who has something specific to say.
Limit the number of speakers. Three to five toasts are plenty for most receptions. More than that and the room begins to tire.
A traditional order
Many weddings follow a familiar sequence. It works because it moves from welcome to humor to gratitude.
- A welcome from a host or parent, usually at the start of the meal.
- A toast from the best man or maid of honor, often after the first course.
- A toast from another family member or friend.
- A short thank-you from the couple, either before dessert or just before the dancing begins.
Some couples ask the parents of both sides to speak. Others skip formal speeches and choose a single toast. Both approaches are valid.
How long should a toast be?
The common advice is to aim for about two to four minutes. That is a rule of thumb, not a law, but it is a good one. Read it aloud with a timer, because toasts almost always run longer than they feel in your head.
Shorter is almost always better. A guest holding a drink and a half-finished meal will enjoy a brief, heartfelt toast more than a long one. If you want to include more voices, invite several people for a minute or two each.
Where toasts fit in the evening
The best spot depends on the meal. At a plated dinner, speeches often come between courses. At a buffet, they may happen before the lines open or after everyone has food. Ask your caterer about timing, since hot food should not wait for a long speech.
Avoid scheduling toasts during the busiest part of dinner service, when staff are moving through the room. Also avoid late in the evening, when guests are ready to dance.
Helping speakers prepare
Give each speaker clear information well in advance: when they will speak, how long they have, and who goes before and after. A short message a week before the wedding is usually enough.
Share a few simple guidelines.
- Focus on one or two stories rather than a long history.
- Keep the humor kind and avoid inside jokes the room will not understand.
- Avoid mentioning past relationships, embarrassing events or private matters.
- Practice out loud at least once, with a timer.
- Finish with a toast: raise a glass and say the names.
Microphones and logistics
Confirm with the venue or the DJ that a working microphone is available, and that one person is responsible for handing it over. Test the sound before guests arrive. Make sure every guest has a drink in hand before the toast begins, including non-alcoholic options.
Choose someone to act as the host of the speeches. This person introduces each speaker, keeps time and moves the evening along. A DJ, band leader, venue coordinator or a lively friend can all do the job.
If someone cannot speak
Sometimes the person you hoped to hear from is nervous, unwell or far away. A short letter read aloud or a recorded message can be a graceful alternative. Keep it brief and have a backup ready.
The best toast is sincere and short. If every speaker remembers that, you will enjoy the evening and so will your guests.
General Manager at Arts Ballroom, Philadelphia. Writes The Wedding Place.